Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland —

I deliberately avoided this movie when it first came out because I can't stand Tim Burton's films, and I'm seriously bored with this whole "dark bad-ass update of a fairytale" idea. No, really, I'm sick of it. It's old. It doesn't work.

But then I read that this was Burton's highest-grossing film AND the highest-grossing of 2010 so far. Really? REALLY?? Okay, so I had to see WHY. And I wasn't at all surprised. It's just another bad, aimless Tim Burton film. WHY do people like this shit? WHY does Burton have a reputation as a great director?? The last Burton film I enjoyed was Beetlejuice, for Christ sake. (No, wait, I liked Ed Wood.) And I think, hands down, his BEST film is Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. Yeah, that's right, his FIRST! It's been downhill for me ever since.


There are a lot of problems with re-writing or updating children's stories, and Alice is the WORST choice. The Alice stories have NO plot, NO moral, NO conflict resolution and NO character development. Anyone who wants to update or adapt them has to INVENT it all, and it fails every time. The idea that the Cheshire Cat or the Mad Hatter would ally themselves to a cause or share ANY motivations with ANYONE for ANY reason is enough to shout "FAIL!" Every character in Alice exists only as a pun or just to look silly. They are one-dimensional. They are JOKES. Burton fails to make them sympathetic, just like everybody fails when they try it.

And Burton does one thing in particular that really peeves me. Listen, Tim... (deep breath) ...the Queen of Hearts and the Red Queen ARE NOT THE SAME CHARACTER!!!!!!!! They don't even appear in the SAME BOOK! JEEZ!!!

...and then there's all the typical Burton complaints: too much CGI, no color, unlikeable characters, over-done music, wasted talent, poor ending and (all together now) HELENA BONHAM CARTER!!!!

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